One Year Later

So it's been a year.  Today.  Finally.  The last month before my one year has felt slow.  S----L----O----W.

Molasses dripping from a spoon slow.  First 30 days of sobriety slow.  So I have drawn a graphic of the addictions I use to avoid my feelings.

One year ago, when I stopped drinking, I flew into busyness.  I had a couple of weeks between when I knew I was done drinking and actually stopped.  In those weeks I put many things in motion that kept me VERY busy during my first 60 days of sobriety.  Had the interior of the house painted, had the carpets cleaned, had the hardwoods refinished, had a mile of fence installed, had waterers installed in the pastures,  fertilized and seeded pastures, had concrete installed in the barn.

Then marriage and job crisis.  Both my marriage and my career were going through a re-org.  These were both looming, large reasons why I quit drinking: not sure I could have managed surviving either one well while still drinking.  It was the summer of trying to manage the chaos, while letting go of it at the same time.  So I bought a different car, found a horse for my daughter, went to counseling with my husband, and read a lot of books about what the hell was wrong with our relationship.  Which, by the way, was really about what the hell is wrong with him.

My sponsor through all of this, made me stay on Steps 1-3, focusing on powerless and unmanageable in Step 1, restored to sanity in Step 2, and turning my will over in Step 3.  All this going on and I was ready to work the Steps like a fiend: give me an assignment and I'll get it done, I promised her.  Bless her, she understands exactly how I work.  She refused.  Which I intellectually understood, because, well, I knew the busyness I created and how I used it.  It wasn't completely sane, and every time I turned over my will I snatched it right back.

By the Fall, my job and the jobs of the folks who reported to me were resolved, happily.  My husband and I had walked up to the edge of the divorce cliff and taken several steps back.  Fall and Winter force me to knock it off with the busy.  I was finally allowed to move to Step 4, with the understanding we would be returning to Steps 1-3.  Often.  I stopped reading relationship books when my sponsor pointed out I was still looking for answers "out there".

I had an AA friend in first sobriety I will never forget.  We grew closer over the sobriety years, smoked together, went to meetings.  Once, after he'd quit smoking, we were on the phone talking.  I lit up.  He must have heard the snick of the lighter, the silence of an inhale.  "You're lighting up, " he commented laconically, "You must be having a feeling."  Fucker was right and I think of that comment probably 50% of the time I light up, 15 years later.   He also gave me one of the best compliments I ever received.  I wish I could look him up, but don't remember his last name.  He was really good at quietly calling out my shit.  I owe him an amends.

So today.   It's bonus and tax return time, which usually fuels pent up projects.  There's not much to do this year, which isn't surprising after all that I forced into motion last year.  I deliberately bring myself closer and closer to a center of AA, though I still suck at calling people.  I'm trying really hard to own my part in this marriage deal, but discovering internal fears that get in the way of that.  Prime directives, I call them.  I'm starting to understand how I silence myself, and how distrustful that is.

This morning as my coffee brewed, I got down on my knees and sent gratitude into the Universe for this first year of sobriety.  For the peace that comes, when I allow myself access to it, from knowing the Universe is unfolding as it should.  For progress.  For freedom.  For clarity.  For grace.   Amen.