I Don't Do Tupperware Parties

During the 8 years of First Sobriety I learned a few things from Codependent No More.  One is to identify something I could not do without resenting it and, well, stop doing it.  So I set a boundary: I don't do Tupperware parties.  Or any other kind of Friend of a Friend party that involves overpriced merchandise, a host that invites her friends and door prizes.  There are all kinds of them out there, and while I want to support my friends, I hate those things.   Especially at the end where the Consultant is looking for the next woman to throw the party with HER friends.  Perhaps it is my imagination, but it seems I was always singled out as the one who should throw the next party.  I never did, somehow managed to demure every time, but I went to a few of those things to support friends back in the day.

I'll never forget a rather naive woman I knew in the early 90s who showed me a polyester, lime green baby-doll nightie at a lingerie party.  It was cheaply made and had, I shit you not, glow in the dark stars on it.   She turned out the lights to show me.  It was the least sexually inspiring piece of clothing I had every seen.  I didn't know whether to laugh or cry and she wasn't even wearing it, let alone hoping to inspire a hard-on.  Just goes to show you what happens when a bunch of women egg each other on to buy the cheapest thing in the catalog.

So I set a boundary and kept it.  I say "Thank you so much for thinking of me, but I can't make it."  That's an awesome thing about boundaries outside your own home, they don't really require explanation.  Someone who insists on an explanation is generally stepping over a boundary when they ask for one.  Which is actually red flag number two, the first being the invitation in the first place.

I do a pretty good job with boundaries out there.  Work, acquaintances, neighbors, friends.  Can set them and recognize when they're being violated.  I learned all this as I worked through my codependency issues in first sobriety.  Unfortunately, I wasn't in a relationship during the time I worked my codependency issues.  About the time I met my husband I had quit therapy and my meeting attendance was about once a month.  But man, did I think I had my shit together.  I was buying my first house, had a decent job, finishing my BA, living alone and loved it.  I think I donated my copy of Codependent No More somewhere.

Falling in love felt like icing on the cake.  In retrospect, however, without an active recovery program, and having skipped the real life portion of my codependency work, my relapse was inevitable.   As was a marriage riddled with boundary issues.  Enmeshed is another word I've read and liked.  So I think I will head to the used book store to buy another copy of the codependent classic.

But I still know how to say no to tupperware parties.