Triggers

Flag Day. Flag Day was a major stressor for me. Every year Flag Day passed so
quickly I sometimes missed it, so I felt guilt. At first I didn't have a flag,
so I felt inadequate. Then I bought one and felt better than everyone else on
the block. Then I realized I didn't know all the rules about properly flying a
flag and I felt depressed. I finally got the flag up on the right day and the
sun was shining and I was happy. Then it started to rain and I was sad. Then
my husband dropped the flag on the ground and I was angry with him and horrified
at what people would think. Then it started to thunder and lightning and I was
scared he would get hit by lightning. The whole time my kids were jumping
around excited: "It's Flag Day! It's Flag Day!", until I thought my head would
burst and I yelled at them to pipe down. Then I felt bad for ruining their
Flag Day.

At the end of every sentence in the above paragraph insert the following
sentence: So I would have a drink. Then take out the words Flag Day and insert
any day of the week. Take out the words "a flag or the flag" and insert an X.

I drank For Good Reason for a long time, then I drank just because I had to. 
Because when Flag Day becomes a Good Reason for drinking, one has to face the
fact (preferably drunk) that one is rationalizing their behavior, not justifying
it. Mind and body, alcohol owned me. All the Good Reasons for drinking were
just mind games. I had to have it, and I would find ANY excuse to justify my
behavior. It had stopped working, so I chased its affect even harder.

Augusten Borroughs said it best, for me: "I used
booze as an escape hatch and a destination unto itself." What triggered the
desire to drink? Anything. It wasn't a trigger that caused the
desire to drink, it was the other way around. The desire to drink found a
trigger.