I went away, now I'm back

I had to go away for awhile.  At the end of October, 2011, I filed for divorce from my husband.  At the time I thought I slogged through.  Looking back I almost drowned.  I have never been so anxious and stressed and fearful as I was through the first half of 2012.  I tried everything I could to hold up my end of the relationship and I worked the shit out of my program while I tried for those 18 months I was sober before I filed.

My therapist told me that every morning I was unhappily married I should wake up and ask myself: is today the day?  And that one day the path forward would become clear, one way or another.  It did.

Divorce sucks.  I knew it would suck, I was prepared for it to suck, I was prepared for it to get ugly.  But we practice these principles in all our affairs, so I chose two watchwords for the divorce: grace and integrity.  Actually, they're my watchwords in general, but during the divorce they were GRACE and INTEGRITY.  I did the very best I could with the tools I had.  And I stayed sober and plugged into AA.  My friends and sponsor and meetings were my lifeline.  Of course, God was also on the front lines every day.

Many of you know me from the Booze Free Brigade.  At one point, my husband sent me an email that linked together months of my posts on the BFB with a rather cryptic message.  What it meant was that he was either visiting there or receiving the digest from there-but he had been lurking one way or another.  So I stopped posting and visiting the BFB until after the divorce and pulled down most of my blog.  While everyone, including the lawyer, told me that being over two years sober meant my alcoholism would have little relevance, my ex seemed intent to make an issue of it anyway.  It seemed safer to pull it down and back away.  So I did.

The divorce was final 11/2/2012.  With various loose end tying done, I've started to finally feel a return to normalcy in January.  A few weeks ago,  I put my blog back up.  The BFB and my online community were a huge part of my sobriety those first 18 months and I miss them.

A couple of weeks ago someone from my home group asked me to be her sponsor.  Someone I would have never expected to ask me.  I think she works a hell of a program.  She told me she was impressed that I never talked shit about my former husband or the divorce in meetings.  That I kept outside issues on the outside, and stayed focused on what meetings are for: dealing with alcoholism.  I felt relief, validation and pride.  I tried so hard to maintain compassion for the former during the process, while taking care of myself.  I worked my ass off to practice the principles.  I was not perfect.  My best friend and my sponsor got earfuls on some days.  But my new sponsee, she didn't hear it.  She heard program from me in the rooms, and for that I am grateful.

There is much more to share, and a lot of sobriety still going on, and gratitude in spades.  But mainly I wanted to put myself out there again.  I miss the special way I view the world when I'm looking to write about it.  I miss when I get connected to the Universe and the words flow through me rather than from me.  I checked this blog today on a whim, and links still happen, people (granted, very few people) still come.  Which means there are women like me still suffering, still searching, still asking and wondering.  Wanting to connect.  I want that too.  It's what keeps me sober.