Let's do this thing 1

Let's do this thing.

I've referred to it several times: a marriage on the brink.  I've been living the cliche "things will get worse before they get better".  And things got worse.  Not as bad as they could have gotten.  There have been no affairs, no physical violence, no huge fights, no gut wrenching tears or pleas of  "I'll do anything" by either party.  There was freezing silence and no eye contact and complete lack of regard.  I would say he started it, and he would say I started it.  So there was a stalemate of the most magnificent kind: with moats and drawbridges and gates made of iron 5 inches thick.  Guards with notched arrows and boiling pots of oil ready to kill the first scout to knock on the iron door with the white flag of surrender.

We are introverts, we do not yell or emote, nor are we stupid.  Every defense was in place and ready.  So no scouts were even sent knocking.  We looked at each others' defenses and said "there's no way I'm getting through that--I'll starve the other out".  Nothing went in or out of the defense line for a month.  To the day.

I wrote a post (Stripped) about recognizing verbal abuse in my marriage.  I've since read several books about verbal/emotional abuse and talked with several people about it.  I'd like to close the loop on that.

I don't know what a normal relationship looks like.  What is healthy?  What is not?  When does one leave? When does one stay?  What is emotional abuse?  What is his part?  What is mine?  What would a divorce mean?  What are my options? What is a boundary?  Do I have any that he knows about?  How do you set and enforce one?  What's wrong with him?  What's wrong with me?  How do I really feel about this marriage?  Do I still love him?  Where is my alcoholism and what part did that play in all this?

There is a lot there.  Too much for one post.  I've decided to write a series of posts to dive into some of these questions in depth.  I've read books, I see a counselor, we've seen a counselor, I've talked with my sponsor and other folks in AA who have given me nuggets that have really influenced the outcome to date.  I've been sober six months now.  The re-org I wrote about in Resolution has been a constant source of additional stress during that entire period.  When at work, the re-org was my main focus, with my potentially impending divorce a constant thrumming presence of tension underlying it.  When at home, the sorry state of my marriage was front and center, with my potential lack of employment a bass beat in the background.

I hope to share some of what I've learned along the way that may speak to someone.  There are folks along the way who have tossed off a sentence or two that have had a profound affect on this process for me.  I doubt they had any idea how much influence they really had.  So I offer this in that spirit: that a nugget may exist for someone here that will really help.

So let me Tarantino this thing and start with the end: I believe we may actually make it, change is possible, people will surprise you, and yes, I do still love him, though I didn't know that until 2 weeks ago.