Five Months

Five months ago today I had a 1.5 liter unopened bottle of wine in one hand and a Librium in the other.  I had set my quit date as March 31st because I didn't want to get sober on April Fools Day.  I had been to the doc that day to confess my alcoholism and my fear of physical withdrawal.  With huge empathy and kindness he prescribed 4 days of Librium, as needed.  I had searched the web on Librium's affects and whether I could take the pill and wash it down with wine since I had a WHOLE BIG BOTTLE right there.  The answer, by the way, is NO, you cannot mix Librium with alcohol.  And no, it is not like an anti-depressant that takes a while to build up in your system.  Dammit.   That night all I wanted was a day, a single day without alcohol.  One.  Day. But maybe that day could wait until the next day.

I am also a high bottom alcoholic, with a whole series of yets in front of me.  Both times I've quit drinking, all I had mainly lost was my self-respect and integrity.  Trifles, really, baubles.  Glass beads.  Worthless and silly to even lament.

Accountability was the key to my secret door.  I had given everyone who mattered to me a copy of that key, and told them where to find the spare.  But that night, it was down to a pill, a bottle and me.  I just couldn't face one more lie, one more excuse, one more bullshit reason to open that bottle.

I took the pill, followed the white rabbit, chose to leave Neverland, took a leap of faith (think I read a lot of books and see a lot of movies?).

I got my day.  I took the Librium as needed.  It worked.  I got 3 days, then 10, then 30.  I ate Reeces PBC Blizzards and Skittles.  I lost the bloat, the red flushed face, weight.  Somewhere in those first 30 days I lost the compulsion too.  Still, I counted days until 90, mainly because I couldn't sleep.

To celebrate 90 days I went to a chip meeting and got my chip 3 days early.  My sponsor pointed out that was overly cocky.  Funny, I thought I was being efficient.  Once I officially hit 90 days, I stopped counting.  I almost missed 4 months, and now, 5 months.  I didn't even think of today's significance until I was reading through email tonight and the date caught my eye.  Wait a minute.   I saw my therapist AND my sponsor today, and forgot the date.  Hmmm.

As I've been writing this, the calendar clicked over to 9/1.  Some things I got sober for are resolved, some are not.  Tonight, my just tween daughter wanted to talk.  Since I quit, we can talk at night after I tuck her in.  We talk about girl things, changing parts, annoying boys.  Not much has changed since I was her age.  Shit, not much has changed at my age.  Although the T-shirt bra was a game-changer; saved me from a boob job since no one can notice my nipples point straight down to my toes when left to their own devices.  Boob job or a good bra?  It was an easy choice.

Tonight I am grateful for my daughter's confidence, t-shirt bras, and staying sober for 150 days.  For the record, that's 13, 310, 250 sober heartbeats or so.